Blue Fish (Lan Yu): The underground in Harbin.

If you are sick of Andy Lau songs being played by a student on his acoustic guitar. Of an atmosphere that consists of two customers that have managed to find the bar and then bought fifteen plates of snacks, a bottle of Ha-Pi (for himself) and a glass of water (for herself), who, rather than actually talk to each other, then begin to text or play games on their mobiles. Then I have the solution……. 

OK, so when I said that Harbin has no underground I was not entirely being honest, I took a little poetic license. Don’t be angry I was saving it, it’s all in the timing you see. Harbin has it, you need to find it, be introduced, just know the secret handshake. If you can get a taxi to Ma Duan Jie, ask for Lan Yu bar. Ignore the knowing glances and suspicious smiles. After getting dropped off put on your straight / gay face, you are now in the best bar in Harbin. Lan Yu is Harbin’s gayest bar.    

You are about to be treated to the best entertainment in Harbin. Lan Yu boasts the best cabaret show in the city. The show begins with the Chinese National Anthem, scratched and interrupted with a pop song. A playfully, lewd and crude atmosphere is maintained by the host, who will take the piss out of you to the roars of the other customers. Drag Queens dance and mime their way through popular and traditional songs. Feel free to tip, many customers leave a ‘xiao fei’ in their bra (not sure how much is for the grope and how much for the entertainment!). Strange acts are part of the show performers lie on broken glass, drill their stomachs and eat snakes. You won’t see that in Blues!!!

If you want to drink there is Corona for 15RMB, or Ha-Pi for 5RMB.

Underground in Harbin, (not a subway stupid!)

Recently a French DJ based in Guangzhou double beated his way through a set in BABYFACE, Harbin’s newest and fanciest club. Chris asked him “why are you so shite?”, to which he replied that “the decks are broken.”………. Bollox, a DJ from Harbin, who are usually crap enough to win the Eurovision Song Context, was able to mix better than him!! It was a sad time for all concerned, and better off never, ever being talked about again. 

I mention it, not to reopen old wounds, but because ‘Phillipe’ asked about a Harbin underground. What is it? Where is it? How is it? When is it? ehhhhhh, why is it?! Right, so here it is, the official guide to the Harbin underground:

Thank you.

Bullshit, from the best!!!

Thanks to danwei.org for the enlightenment.

This is taken from a JWT, an advertising company (duh!!), press release:
Understanding and Embracing China’s Different Worldview Is Main Theme of Billions: Selling to the New Chinese Consumer by JWT’s Tom Doctoroff.

Twelve Facts about the Confucian Consumer

1. Chinese people put pineapple, not pepperoni, on pizza. All foods are
divided into “heaty” and “cooling” foods, and the two must be balanced at all
times. Pizza is heaty, so the pineapple cools it down.

They also put turtlehead in hotpot, donkey in dumplings and snake and cat into soup. Americans started the whole pineapple on pizza thing, the sick fuckers.

2. In China, “fresh” means “alive.” Daoism is still a force in the
People’s Republic. Daoists believe our natural state is the only “balanced”
state. Therefore, Chinese have a deep aversion to manmade preservatives. For
that matter, Chinese women get prickly about chemicals in shampoo.

Bollox, my shampoo glows in the dark.

3. Brands used inside the home are locally produced and cheaply made.
Brands shown publicly are foreign made and expensive. In a Confucian society,
social status is an investment, so consumers will pay a huge premium for
mobile phones and high-end alcohol. At home, price sensitivity is extreme.
There are no designer bedspreads. Victoria’s Secret doesn’t stand a chance.

Check out ‘Da Kaun’ posting from a few days ago.

4. Chinese people never have dinner parties. The home is a place of refuge,
escape, and, every once in a while, self-expression. Comfort is key. But where
you live is paramount, which is why apartment blocks sport such names as “The
Gathering of All Heroes Under Heaven” and “Tycoon Court.”

5. More than 80 percent of Shanghai couples now get married with an
engagement ring, up from practically zero a couple of years ago. In an unsafe
world, men have to demonstrate — not talk about — their love. Women are
suspicious of guys who say, “I love you.”

Check out ‘chi ruan fan’ posting from a few days ago.

6. A powerful woman decorates her $1,000 mobile phone with Hello Kitty
stickers because she wants to be soft on the outside and like iron on the
inside.

She also opens her eyes very wide when talking to you, to make her eyes bigger and so more child like, and giggles like a 13 year old when you talk to her.

7. In China, feminine beauty is a tool that moves a woman forward.
Cosmetic surgery is all the rage because it helps a young woman land a job,
not a man.

‘Chou mei’, or ’smelly beautiful’, or ‘vain’ is or is not a phrase in Chinese?

8. Soy sauce can save lives. The thinking is as follows: “If my food
tastes good, my family will eat more. If my family eats more, they’ll get more
nutrition. If they get more nutrition, no one will get sick. If no one gets
sick, no one will lose a job. If no one loses a job, the family will be in
harmony. If the family is in harmony, a new generation can be born.” Unlike
anywhere else in the world, great taste ladders to good health.

9. In 1995, the Chinese middle class virtually didn’t exist. By 2005,
there were approximately 100 million individuals in China with incomes in
excess of $4,000 (even in expensive coastal cities, purchasing parity power is
at least 2.5 versus the U.S.). By 2010, there will probably be 200 million
middle-class folk.

Can’t wait, give me more Da Kuans, more, more, more!!!

10. The smartest guy in the class is the coolest guy in the class. Girls
really and truly go for brains, not bodies. In a dog-eat-dog, hierarchical
Confucian world, intelligence is the ultimate weapon. Health clubs will always
be niche.

True, he also likes to listen to Backstreet Boys!

11. Chinese people squirrel away 40 percent of their income, despite
making, on average, less than a tenth of U.S. per capita income. The Chinese
believe the fickle hand of fate can turn against them at any time. And there’s
virtually no safety net.

12. Germs are the ultimate evil. A Chinese mother’s primary role is to
protect the child from harm and shield the family from invasion. That’s why
air conditioners, washing machines, soap, food, dishwashers, and television
sets all scream, “germ-free.

kan hai zi, xi yi fu, shou shi, zhe shi nv ren de sheng hua.
Look after the kids, wash the clothes and clean the house, this is a woman’s life.

Harbin’s ‘Da Kuan’ and it’s mate ‘chi ruan fan’.

Babyface is a new club just opened in Harbin, it is a chain of clubs that can be found in Shanghai, Beijing and other major metropolitan centres. It has a reputation for the newest music, the greatest atmosphere and the classiest decor. Harbin’s opened on Christmas day, anyone who visited a Babyface in another city was salivating with the thoughts that Harbin could leave it’s fascination with Happy Hardcore and pop remixes behind. But true to it’s redneck roots, it failed to come up to the class of the other branches of this franchise. Customers were treated to the same 20 songs that Harbiners like to listen to all the time!!!

They chased the same money that all the other clubs are chasing in Harbin. The ‘Da Kuan’. Let me explain what this species of money is. This is a large mammal, usually between the age of 35 and 45. It’s appearance does not vary greatly, black polo neck, black slacks and black leather shoes. In summer the ‘Da Kuan’ will shed this outer layer and dress in more colourful garb; black boss T-Shirt, white slacks, red socks and white leather shoes. It’s mane also conforms to the standard crew cut or flat top spike.

It’s habits are also easily defined. Usually seen with a female known as ’chi ruan fan’ or translated as ‘eating soft food’ or ‘golddigger’ they can be seen together spending vast amounts of money in nightclubs. Conspicuously consuming expensive drink, and shouting rudely at anyone who becomes too close to their pissing ground. On recent excursions I have witnessed the ‘Da Kuan’ pouring XO brandy out in a ‘this one goes out for my homies’ fashion, “pure class” other ‘Da Kuan’ thought, ‘zhuang bi’ or ‘fake cunt’ I thought.

If you travel Harbin, be sure to keep your eyes open for a ‘Da Kaun’ otherwise known as the ‘Zhuang bi’. They can be seen in all the major discos, (I won’t call them clubs until they grow up!).

An introduction to Haharbin.

Ok, so the first post. Let’s see…. where to start? Right, my aim is to provide a point of reference for foriegners hoping to visit/ move to/ fly over/ avoid Harbin. I want to give you the reasons why and why not, the pros and cons, the good, the bad and the ugly of this seldom talked about backwater in China.

 Why should you listen to me? Well, I’ve lived here for almost 3 years. I have lived with what Harbin has to offer and to live without what Harbin is lacking. This city has got a hold of me. I don’t know why. But for the sake of filling out a few inches I’m going to try to define what Harbin has to offer.

1. Beer, Ha Pi beer is the best beer in China. Ask anyone, anyone who disagrees is wrong.
2. Learn Chinese in Harbin, the dialect is the most standard. How do I know? The taxi drivers told me so.
3. Rough, Harbin is the wild north east. People haven’t really caught on to the whole gentrification thing yet, most bars don’t even have a mirror in the toilets.
4. Food, the place has loads of great restaurants and cheap, so cheap. Take 50RMB with you, eat your fill, stagger out with enough money in your pocket for a bottle of vodka in Blues bar (more on there later!).
5. Sights, Ice lantern festival, temples, blah blah blah.
6. Shopping, markets, department stores, enjoy haggling over a pair of 2RMB socks.
7. Small foreign community. There are about 800 foriegners here, last thing I heard. Locals love nothing more than to welcome you with a loud “HHHHEEEEEELLLLO!”.
8. Emmmm, taxis. A rollercoaster ride.
9. Ehhhhhh, weather, cold in winter, hot in summer. Winter is for hot pot with as many friends as you can find. Summer is for beer gardens with as many friends as can stand up.