Blue Fish (Lan Yu): The underground in Harbin.

If you are sick of Andy Lau songs being played by a student on his acoustic guitar. Of an atmosphere that consists of two customers that have managed to find the bar and then bought fifteen plates of snacks, a bottle of Ha-Pi (for himself) and a glass of water (for herself), who, rather than actually talk to each other, then begin to text or play games on their mobiles. Then I have the solution……. 

OK, so when I said that Harbin has no underground I was not entirely being honest, I took a little poetic license. Don’t be angry I was saving it, it’s all in the timing you see. Harbin has it, you need to find it, be introduced, just know the secret handshake. If you can get a taxi to Ma Duan Jie, ask for Lan Yu bar. Ignore the knowing glances and suspicious smiles. After getting dropped off put on your straight / gay face, you are now in the best bar in Harbin. Lan Yu is Harbin’s gayest bar.    

You are about to be treated to the best entertainment in Harbin. Lan Yu boasts the best cabaret show in the city. The show begins with the Chinese National Anthem, scratched and interrupted with a pop song. A playfully, lewd and crude atmosphere is maintained by the host, who will take the piss out of you to the roars of the other customers. Drag Queens dance and mime their way through popular and traditional songs. Feel free to tip, many customers leave a ‘xiao fei’ in their bra (not sure how much is for the grope and how much for the entertainment!). Strange acts are part of the show performers lie on broken glass, drill their stomachs and eat snakes. You won’t see that in Blues!!!

If you want to drink there is Corona for 15RMB, or Ha-Pi for 5RMB.

The Studio 54 of Harbin.

Blues is an institution in Harbin. It is where foriegners go to drink, to dance, to love, to puke and to fight. Only people who have experienced the highs and lows of this club can fully understand how the atmosphere contains the ghosts of nights gone by, the blood and vomit staining the floor tell only a small part of the true story that is Blues. I am not exaggerating!! I do not exaggerate!!! I have never exaggerated in my life!!!!  

……. Except for now!!! Blues is an institution and like many insitutions it has found it’s rut and it’s sticking to it. The music is an eclectic mix of pop, rock, metal, r’n'b, hip hop, house and techno. The music doesn’t change here very often; The Backstreet Boys has found it into the set list too often, Who Let The Dogs Out? was a favourite for about 4 years. Recently the new manager has done his best to modernize the music, but it’s the clientel who insist on the Top Ten Charts.

But as I have been advised many times, we don’t go for the music, we go for the drinking. And the drinking is good. Vodka, dirty, dirty vodka is cheaper than water and cola. Beer, dirty, dirty beer is more expensive than the vodka. But they’ll get you drunk…. you’ll feel it the next day, the feeling is similar to that of a full frontal labotomy, but after a week or two you are alright again.

So go to Blues on Di Duan Jie. At least you’ll have forgotten most of it the next day.

Indian food.

Up until last year Harbin had a choice between Chinese food and ….. Chinese food. If you wanted foriegn food you had the choice between KFC and McDonalds. Now, I love to eat Chinese food. The choices on offer are infinite, you have, my favourite; Hotpot, Harbin local dishes, Canton Food, Xin Jiang kebabs and more, more, more!!! But then the powers that be, God bless them athiests, developed Ren He Jie into a new Indian street. If you build it they will come, and they built it and they came.

Now Harbin has an Indian street with real Indians. Seriously, there are 4 or 5 Indian guys paid to stand there and …… well, just stand there.  Inside you can find shops selling all sorts of shit. They have expensive shit, cheap shit, figurines, jewellery boxes, clothes, tapestries, rugs, childrens toys and stun guns. But that is not my point, my point is that they also have Indian food. Yes, Indian street, Indian people, Indian shit and Indian food!!

The Indian Kitchen is nan bread sent from heaven, authentic indian food cooked by authenic indian chefs and served by authentic Chinese waitresses with authentic Indian dots on their foreheads. It’s pricey compared to a 3RMB bowl of Ma La Tang, but oh so worth it. A meal for two will set you back about 150RMB. But when you’re in the mood for something different it’s as refreshing as a flood in a burns ward. The decor is clean and modern, so a good place to escape people spitting on the floor, if you ever feel the need to do so.

The street is Ren He Jie, don’t be fooled by the bastard me too-ers on Guo Ge Li Da Jie, Bombay Kitchen.

Harbin’s ‘Da Kuan’ and it’s mate ‘chi ruan fan’.

Babyface is a new club just opened in Harbin, it is a chain of clubs that can be found in Shanghai, Beijing and other major metropolitan centres. It has a reputation for the newest music, the greatest atmosphere and the classiest decor. Harbin’s opened on Christmas day, anyone who visited a Babyface in another city was salivating with the thoughts that Harbin could leave it’s fascination with Happy Hardcore and pop remixes behind. But true to it’s redneck roots, it failed to come up to the class of the other branches of this franchise. Customers were treated to the same 20 songs that Harbiners like to listen to all the time!!!

They chased the same money that all the other clubs are chasing in Harbin. The ‘Da Kuan’. Let me explain what this species of money is. This is a large mammal, usually between the age of 35 and 45. It’s appearance does not vary greatly, black polo neck, black slacks and black leather shoes. In summer the ‘Da Kuan’ will shed this outer layer and dress in more colourful garb; black boss T-Shirt, white slacks, red socks and white leather shoes. It’s mane also conforms to the standard crew cut or flat top spike.

It’s habits are also easily defined. Usually seen with a female known as ’chi ruan fan’ or translated as ‘eating soft food’ or ‘golddigger’ they can be seen together spending vast amounts of money in nightclubs. Conspicuously consuming expensive drink, and shouting rudely at anyone who becomes too close to their pissing ground. On recent excursions I have witnessed the ‘Da Kuan’ pouring XO brandy out in a ‘this one goes out for my homies’ fashion, “pure class” other ‘Da Kuan’ thought, ‘zhuang bi’ or ‘fake cunt’ I thought.

If you travel Harbin, be sure to keep your eyes open for a ‘Da Kaun’ otherwise known as the ‘Zhuang bi’. They can be seen in all the major discos, (I won’t call them clubs until they grow up!).

An introduction to Haharbin.

Ok, so the first post. Let’s see…. where to start? Right, my aim is to provide a point of reference for foriegners hoping to visit/ move to/ fly over/ avoid Harbin. I want to give you the reasons why and why not, the pros and cons, the good, the bad and the ugly of this seldom talked about backwater in China.

 Why should you listen to me? Well, I’ve lived here for almost 3 years. I have lived with what Harbin has to offer and to live without what Harbin is lacking. This city has got a hold of me. I don’t know why. But for the sake of filling out a few inches I’m going to try to define what Harbin has to offer.

1. Beer, Ha Pi beer is the best beer in China. Ask anyone, anyone who disagrees is wrong.
2. Learn Chinese in Harbin, the dialect is the most standard. How do I know? The taxi drivers told me so.
3. Rough, Harbin is the wild north east. People haven’t really caught on to the whole gentrification thing yet, most bars don’t even have a mirror in the toilets.
4. Food, the place has loads of great restaurants and cheap, so cheap. Take 50RMB with you, eat your fill, stagger out with enough money in your pocket for a bottle of vodka in Blues bar (more on there later!).
5. Sights, Ice lantern festival, temples, blah blah blah.
6. Shopping, markets, department stores, enjoy haggling over a pair of 2RMB socks.
7. Small foreign community. There are about 800 foriegners here, last thing I heard. Locals love nothing more than to welcome you with a loud “HHHHEEEEEELLLLO!”.
8. Emmmm, taxis. A rollercoaster ride.
9. Ehhhhhh, weather, cold in winter, hot in summer. Winter is for hot pot with as many friends as you can find. Summer is for beer gardens with as many friends as can stand up.