Honesty’s the best policy.

So, 2 years and 8 months ago, I finished my final project in the final year of my communications with multimedia degree course and I sat back with a pint of Guinness in me hand and I says: “I want to go to Asia”.

The month was June and I had just finished a hard slog of three years of study. Half of the first year was getting back into the swing of studying after a 4 year interlude! Anyway, the final project was handed in and that’s when the teaching began. Teaching in Ireland that is. Me moulding minds!

So it was off to Gormanston College for, what turned out to be, two great months of teaching Spanish and Italian teenagers the joys of the English language! Seriously, it was a laugh and it was to prepare me, albeit in a small way, for what was to come.

So, after a summer of ups and downs, swings and roundabouts, strikes and gutters, the faithful day came at the start of August that was to change my life, irrevocably. It was the day when I was asked:

“Well, do you want to come Harbin to teach?”

“Where the f**k is Harbin?”, says I.

“North-East China”, came the reply.

So, being quite the spontaneous and impulsive person that I am, I said: “Yeah, why the jaysus not”. That wasn’t before I perused, what was the first in a line of the most meanlingness contracts I have ever , and will probably ever, have the displeasure of perusing! And I mean that! Although sometimes entertaining to say the least,  the contracts are legally binding, however,  I am of the opinion that they are not worth the paper they are written on. It is easier than easy to do a runner on one of these “contracts”. Of course, this could be said of any contract, but with schools in China, it’s somewhat different.

Personally, I have always seen my contracts out, but I could easily see a time when I wouldn’t have any qualms whatsoever, in breaking one of these contracts, safe in the knowledge, that once I stay away from whatever school I am running from, all would be rosy in the garden.

Lots of people, on different forums and what have you, would more than likely disagree with me, saying that the subsequent school will look for a letter of release. This is true, but how difficult is it for anyone to say no to any school who may look for a letter. There are PLENTY of schools looking for teachers so keep in mind who needs who the most. 

Anyway, I signed the contract and two weeks later, I was on a plane to Harbin….

…to be contd

 

Blue Fish (Lan Yu): The underground in Harbin.

If you are sick of Andy Lau songs being played by a student on his acoustic guitar. Of an atmosphere that consists of two customers that have managed to find the bar and then bought fifteen plates of snacks, a bottle of Ha-Pi (for himself) and a glass of water (for herself), who, rather than actually talk to each other, then begin to text or play games on their mobiles. Then I have the solution……. 

OK, so when I said that Harbin has no underground I was not entirely being honest, I took a little poetic license. Don’t be angry I was saving it, it’s all in the timing you see. Harbin has it, you need to find it, be introduced, just know the secret handshake. If you can get a taxi to Ma Duan Jie, ask for Lan Yu bar. Ignore the knowing glances and suspicious smiles. After getting dropped off put on your straight / gay face, you are now in the best bar in Harbin. Lan Yu is Harbin’s gayest bar.    

You are about to be treated to the best entertainment in Harbin. Lan Yu boasts the best cabaret show in the city. The show begins with the Chinese National Anthem, scratched and interrupted with a pop song. A playfully, lewd and crude atmosphere is maintained by the host, who will take the piss out of you to the roars of the other customers. Drag Queens dance and mime their way through popular and traditional songs. Feel free to tip, many customers leave a ‘xiao fei’ in their bra (not sure how much is for the grope and how much for the entertainment!). Strange acts are part of the show performers lie on broken glass, drill their stomachs and eat snakes. You won’t see that in Blues!!!

If you want to drink there is Corona for 15RMB, or Ha-Pi for 5RMB.

The Studio 54 of Harbin.

Blues is an institution in Harbin. It is where foriegners go to drink, to dance, to love, to puke and to fight. Only people who have experienced the highs and lows of this club can fully understand how the atmosphere contains the ghosts of nights gone by, the blood and vomit staining the floor tell only a small part of the true story that is Blues. I am not exaggerating!! I do not exaggerate!!! I have never exaggerated in my life!!!!  

……. Except for now!!! Blues is an institution and like many insitutions it has found it’s rut and it’s sticking to it. The music is an eclectic mix of pop, rock, metal, r’n'b, hip hop, house and techno. The music doesn’t change here very often; The Backstreet Boys has found it into the set list too often, Who Let The Dogs Out? was a favourite for about 4 years. Recently the new manager has done his best to modernize the music, but it’s the clientel who insist on the Top Ten Charts.

But as I have been advised many times, we don’t go for the music, we go for the drinking. And the drinking is good. Vodka, dirty, dirty vodka is cheaper than water and cola. Beer, dirty, dirty beer is more expensive than the vodka. But they’ll get you drunk…. you’ll feel it the next day, the feeling is similar to that of a full frontal labotomy, but after a week or two you are alright again.

So go to Blues on Di Duan Jie. At least you’ll have forgotten most of it the next day.

CHRIS’ MA LIKES THIS WEBSITE SHOCKER!!!!!

It was confirmed exclusively on Haharbin.wordpress.com that Chris’ ma does like what her son does in his free time. Click here and here.

Underground in Harbin, (not a subway stupid!)

Recently a French DJ based in Guangzhou double beated his way through a set in BABYFACE, Harbin’s newest and fanciest club. Chris asked him “why are you so shite?”, to which he replied that “the decks are broken.”………. Bollox, a DJ from Harbin, who are usually crap enough to win the Eurovision Song Context, was able to mix better than him!! It was a sad time for all concerned, and better off never, ever being talked about again. 

I mention it, not to reopen old wounds, but because ‘Phillipe’ asked about a Harbin underground. What is it? Where is it? How is it? When is it? ehhhhhh, why is it?! Right, so here it is, the official guide to the Harbin underground:

Thank you.

A school to avoid.

First things first, I’m going to name names here. The worst school that I have ever worked for is Aitong Kindergarten. I’m not going to beat around the bush here, this school is dodgy with a capital D!! They, as yet, have no idea how to offer foriegn teachers a stable and fair work environment. Lacking in any oraganisation ability they instead resort to trying to control, bully and blackmail a teacher into submission.

Once they have you on contract they will exploit every loop hole in there to get more out of you. If you are planning to work there I seriously advise you to not do it, if you are going to do it, look seriously at the contract.

1. Ask about travel time.
2. If a bus that is supposed to turn up doesn’t, do they pay for your taxi?
3. If they give you overtime is it compulsory or optional? If you don’t do it will they fine you? Because they want to, they really want to.
4. If they make a mistake about scheduling, it changes every day / week and without any notice, do you get fined?
5. Holidays, if you give notice will you get any?
6. If they call you with 5 minutes before a class and want you to come in now, can you tell them to fuck off? 
7. Most importantly get all of this in writing, in the contract. Clear up the loopholes, cause they are gaping!

It’s not just me, other people have been cheated, lied to and abused by this sham of a school. Apart from cheating me out of 3,000RMB, they have also cheated other teachers out of apartments, visas and flight tickets. I know of one occassion that the Canadian Embassy has been called to deal with them. I myself called the Irish Embassy on one occassion.

 

Using Confucianism to understand why nothing has changed!

Confucianism has guided China’s moral and political life for over 2000 years. Confucian values underlie the respect generally given to parents, teachers (foreigners are exempt…respect my arse, although, in fairness, students do give respect but as far as most schools are concerned it’s like “Respect? Respect who? Foreign teacher? Erm, no!” ) And finally, old people as a whole are revered.

The days in which Confucius lived were, compared to the past, a time of moral chaos, in which common values were widely rejected or simply disregarded. Crime was on the rise, with robbery and theft increasing in the countryside and murder a serious problem in the cities and at court; there was a general lack of interest in trying to reintegrate criminals into society (“Just shoot them…yeah, that’s the answer…shoot the bastards…too many people anyway”).

The gap between rich and poor was (and is) broad and growing, with the rich living extravagantly in enormous mansions (and driving their black V.W Passats) while an abundance of food somehow failed to reach the hungry who needed it. Government was (and is) routinely corrupt and distrusted by the people, who didn’t (and don’t) fail to observe the lack of productivity among the rich and powerful. The economy was (and is) changing as well. The productive class, mostly farmers, was(and is) shrinking, while the commercial sector was (and is) growing. The marketplaces were (and are being) flooded with goods described as being costly and of “no real utility.”

Part of the growing middle class was a sector of scholars, who had great difficulty finding employment. While reformers such as Confucius existed, they were a minority. Even in such apparently barren philosophical ground, Confucianism not only took root, but flourished, eventually transforming Chinese society with its values, and dominating it for centuries. So I ask you, what has changed since then? It seems Confucius, with all his wise words, has been forgotten in modern day China. As with most other “capitalist” countries, the focus has gone off these philosophical values that were once hailed.

What we are seeing is a return to the “barren philosophical ground” that once prevailed when Confucius began to speak so wisely. It’s all gone full circle it would seem, so, who’s the next Confucius going to be??

>Mmmmmm…… Da Kuan?!!

Bullshit, from the best!!!

Thanks to danwei.org for the enlightenment.

This is taken from a JWT, an advertising company (duh!!), press release:
Understanding and Embracing China’s Different Worldview Is Main Theme of Billions: Selling to the New Chinese Consumer by JWT’s Tom Doctoroff.

Twelve Facts about the Confucian Consumer

1. Chinese people put pineapple, not pepperoni, on pizza. All foods are
divided into “heaty” and “cooling” foods, and the two must be balanced at all
times. Pizza is heaty, so the pineapple cools it down.

They also put turtlehead in hotpot, donkey in dumplings and snake and cat into soup. Americans started the whole pineapple on pizza thing, the sick fuckers.

2. In China, “fresh” means “alive.” Daoism is still a force in the
People’s Republic. Daoists believe our natural state is the only “balanced”
state. Therefore, Chinese have a deep aversion to manmade preservatives. For
that matter, Chinese women get prickly about chemicals in shampoo.

Bollox, my shampoo glows in the dark.

3. Brands used inside the home are locally produced and cheaply made.
Brands shown publicly are foreign made and expensive. In a Confucian society,
social status is an investment, so consumers will pay a huge premium for
mobile phones and high-end alcohol. At home, price sensitivity is extreme.
There are no designer bedspreads. Victoria’s Secret doesn’t stand a chance.

Check out ‘Da Kaun’ posting from a few days ago.

4. Chinese people never have dinner parties. The home is a place of refuge,
escape, and, every once in a while, self-expression. Comfort is key. But where
you live is paramount, which is why apartment blocks sport such names as “The
Gathering of All Heroes Under Heaven” and “Tycoon Court.”

5. More than 80 percent of Shanghai couples now get married with an
engagement ring, up from practically zero a couple of years ago. In an unsafe
world, men have to demonstrate — not talk about — their love. Women are
suspicious of guys who say, “I love you.”

Check out ‘chi ruan fan’ posting from a few days ago.

6. A powerful woman decorates her $1,000 mobile phone with Hello Kitty
stickers because she wants to be soft on the outside and like iron on the
inside.

She also opens her eyes very wide when talking to you, to make her eyes bigger and so more child like, and giggles like a 13 year old when you talk to her.

7. In China, feminine beauty is a tool that moves a woman forward.
Cosmetic surgery is all the rage because it helps a young woman land a job,
not a man.

‘Chou mei’, or ’smelly beautiful’, or ‘vain’ is or is not a phrase in Chinese?

8. Soy sauce can save lives. The thinking is as follows: “If my food
tastes good, my family will eat more. If my family eats more, they’ll get more
nutrition. If they get more nutrition, no one will get sick. If no one gets
sick, no one will lose a job. If no one loses a job, the family will be in
harmony. If the family is in harmony, a new generation can be born.” Unlike
anywhere else in the world, great taste ladders to good health.

9. In 1995, the Chinese middle class virtually didn’t exist. By 2005,
there were approximately 100 million individuals in China with incomes in
excess of $4,000 (even in expensive coastal cities, purchasing parity power is
at least 2.5 versus the U.S.). By 2010, there will probably be 200 million
middle-class folk.

Can’t wait, give me more Da Kuans, more, more, more!!!

10. The smartest guy in the class is the coolest guy in the class. Girls
really and truly go for brains, not bodies. In a dog-eat-dog, hierarchical
Confucian world, intelligence is the ultimate weapon. Health clubs will always
be niche.

True, he also likes to listen to Backstreet Boys!

11. Chinese people squirrel away 40 percent of their income, despite
making, on average, less than a tenth of U.S. per capita income. The Chinese
believe the fickle hand of fate can turn against them at any time. And there’s
virtually no safety net.

12. Germs are the ultimate evil. A Chinese mother’s primary role is to
protect the child from harm and shield the family from invasion. That’s why
air conditioners, washing machines, soap, food, dishwashers, and television
sets all scream, “germ-free.

kan hai zi, xi yi fu, shou shi, zhe shi nv ren de sheng hua.
Look after the kids, wash the clothes and clean the house, this is a woman’s life.

Indian food.

Up until last year Harbin had a choice between Chinese food and ….. Chinese food. If you wanted foriegn food you had the choice between KFC and McDonalds. Now, I love to eat Chinese food. The choices on offer are infinite, you have, my favourite; Hotpot, Harbin local dishes, Canton Food, Xin Jiang kebabs and more, more, more!!! But then the powers that be, God bless them athiests, developed Ren He Jie into a new Indian street. If you build it they will come, and they built it and they came.

Now Harbin has an Indian street with real Indians. Seriously, there are 4 or 5 Indian guys paid to stand there and …… well, just stand there.  Inside you can find shops selling all sorts of shit. They have expensive shit, cheap shit, figurines, jewellery boxes, clothes, tapestries, rugs, childrens toys and stun guns. But that is not my point, my point is that they also have Indian food. Yes, Indian street, Indian people, Indian shit and Indian food!!

The Indian Kitchen is nan bread sent from heaven, authentic indian food cooked by authenic indian chefs and served by authentic Chinese waitresses with authentic Indian dots on their foreheads. It’s pricey compared to a 3RMB bowl of Ma La Tang, but oh so worth it. A meal for two will set you back about 150RMB. But when you’re in the mood for something different it’s as refreshing as a flood in a burns ward. The decor is clean and modern, so a good place to escape people spitting on the floor, if you ever feel the need to do so.

The street is Ren He Jie, don’t be fooled by the bastard me too-ers on Guo Ge Li Da Jie, Bombay Kitchen.

Harbin’s ‘Da Kuan’ and it’s mate ‘chi ruan fan’.

Babyface is a new club just opened in Harbin, it is a chain of clubs that can be found in Shanghai, Beijing and other major metropolitan centres. It has a reputation for the newest music, the greatest atmosphere and the classiest decor. Harbin’s opened on Christmas day, anyone who visited a Babyface in another city was salivating with the thoughts that Harbin could leave it’s fascination with Happy Hardcore and pop remixes behind. But true to it’s redneck roots, it failed to come up to the class of the other branches of this franchise. Customers were treated to the same 20 songs that Harbiners like to listen to all the time!!!

They chased the same money that all the other clubs are chasing in Harbin. The ‘Da Kuan’. Let me explain what this species of money is. This is a large mammal, usually between the age of 35 and 45. It’s appearance does not vary greatly, black polo neck, black slacks and black leather shoes. In summer the ‘Da Kuan’ will shed this outer layer and dress in more colourful garb; black boss T-Shirt, white slacks, red socks and white leather shoes. It’s mane also conforms to the standard crew cut or flat top spike.

It’s habits are also easily defined. Usually seen with a female known as ’chi ruan fan’ or translated as ‘eating soft food’ or ‘golddigger’ they can be seen together spending vast amounts of money in nightclubs. Conspicuously consuming expensive drink, and shouting rudely at anyone who becomes too close to their pissing ground. On recent excursions I have witnessed the ‘Da Kuan’ pouring XO brandy out in a ‘this one goes out for my homies’ fashion, “pure class” other ‘Da Kuan’ thought, ‘zhuang bi’ or ‘fake cunt’ I thought.

If you travel Harbin, be sure to keep your eyes open for a ‘Da Kaun’ otherwise known as the ‘Zhuang bi’. They can be seen in all the major discos, (I won’t call them clubs until they grow up!).